Women are under so much pressure to do all the things, even the things that contradict each other. The monologue that America Ferrera's character Gloria, says in the iconic Barbie movie hits hard:
"It is literally impossible to be a woman...we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but you can't be too thin. You can never say you want to be thin, you have to just say you want to be healthy but also you have to be thin. You have to have money but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss but you can't be mean. You have to lead but you can't squash other people ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior which is insane but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining! You're supposed to stay pretty for men but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or threaten other women because you're supposed to be apart of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. And never forget that the system is rigged so find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old. Never be rude. Never show off. Never be selfish. Never fall down. Never fail. Never show fear. Never get out of line. It's too hard. It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says "thank you". And then it turns out that not only are you doing everything wrong but also everything is your fault."
So many people watched that scene and cried. Felt it deeply. Understood it totally. And the thing is, nothing Gloria said in that moment was inaccurate about the contradictions that women deal with everyday. But being a a Brown Woman? Ooof. Being a Black Woman? Well, I know my monologue could have went on for the entire movie.
I reflect a lot on Mo'Niques commentary on bonnets, which I initially ignored because, let's be completely honest here, her and I are in completely different tax brackets. She could probably have her hair done on the plane, in first class, while eating a medium rare steak. But for those of us having a four A.M. flight without a hair stylist in tow, our choices of hair covering may be a little different then hers.
i ignored this initially I couldn't take another contradiction on top of what I'm already getting, being a mom, being a Black woman, and Black hair in itself, has an entire history of respectability politics. Why? The texture is different. One day someone looked at our ancestors skin color, looked at our hair, and simply said "nah, ours is better"
And that's literally it. There is no legit reasoning why I needed to sit in a chair at the hair dresser, getting the burning relaxer in my hair, to achieve a texture that the collective just decided out of thin air was acceptable.
And after that, fine, we will allow natural Black hair too, but not tooo natural, your curls need to be neat. Oh, that's not what comes out of your head? Let's flip a coin and decide what curls are neat. OK! Loose curls but not too lose, and they can't be frizzy, even if that's your natural hair it can't look natural. See, we have curl defining cream for that. Oh and we will raise the prices on hair care. Hmm, well if you work a customer facing job, you have to look the way the customers do. And you can't have hair that's, big. They'll be looking at you! Not our product. See how my hair's not big, do that. No we won't help you pay for hair expenses to Maintain the way you're hair doesn't grow out or your head. And please don't sweat. There's more gel you can buy for that. A HEADWRAP!!! NO NO NO that will lay your hair down but that will stand out too much. Is there a chemical way for you to straighten your hair to look...normal? Yeah, the relaxer, do that. And for the love of God, avoid the rain.
Wait, what's that on your head. Please don't tell me...a silk bonnet? Right cause you need to lay your hair down. But doesn't the relaxer do that? Oh right, not if it rains or you sweat or if your hair gets too dry. Well I'm not really sure what to do you can't really work here anymore.
And OMG your kids hair!!! What are you doing? No Afro puffs, get them some relaxers too, big natural hair is not appropriate for school. We will be calling on them for all of Black history facts tho. We'll assume they know all that.
Exhausted yet? Me too girl, me too.
Not to mention, hospital pillows are great at matting one's hair. My goal is to ultimately mange what this disease takes from me. I wanna keep my hair as long as I can. So, bonnet at the hospital it is. Bonnet at home it is. Sometimes that might lead to the grocery store if I've forgotten to take it off. But I'm all for the reason that I'm wearing it, is absolutely no one's business. I, and the greater population would have been better off if Mo'Nique, and others chiming in, would have just minded their own scalp.
I'm a babe, and sometimes (most of the time) I be wearing a bonnet. I got enough of these rules and expectations as a Black woman. It's time to cross one off the list.
Sources:
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt1517268/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_4_nm_4_in_0_q_barbie
https://www.allure.com/story/keep-respectability-politics-away-from-our-bonnets
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